Each Halloween we at Dogfaceponia perform our most sacred civic duty: creating a list of costumes guaranteed to terrify liberals in today’s frightening world.
This year I planned on going as a Dog-Faced Pony Soldier myself, but it appears everyone has forgotten what that is, including Joe Biden. Interestingly, most people seem to have forgotten Joe Biden as well. Such is life.
If you’re looking to send your progressive neighbors running for the safety of a faculty lounge, consider the following costume ideas:
- ICE Agent – A holdover from last year, but still a reliable crowd-pleaser.
- High Gas Prices -They of course were not bothered at all by this when Biden and Obama were president but now it is very scary.
- American Flag Clothing – Nothing triggers a campus activist quite like patriotism.
- Nick Shirley – What could be scarier than a guy with a camera asking inconvenient questions? He could actually uncover massive fraud linked to Democrats!
- Religious Attire – Bonus points if you mention attending church voluntarily. Islam excluded of course.
- The Constitution – A perennial favorite. Nothing frightens the modern left more than a 4,500-word document written by dead white men they insist nobody should read but somehow constantly cite.
- Donald Trump – The classic monster. Jason, Freddy, Dracula, and Trump make up the Mount Rushmore of Halloween villains according to CNN and the Democratic party.
- Merit-Based Hiring – The mere mention of qualifications may clear the room.
- Voter ID – Be careful with this one. It might be considered too scary for children.
- Losing the midterms – I mean it probably wont happen but nothing would trigger them more.
Things They Should Be Afraid Of But Aren’t
- Iran’s Ayatollah – Has threatened America for decades, but somehow isn’t trending on social media this week.
- Actual Communists – Apparently no longer a problem now that they post on TikTok. see Zohran Mamdani
- Illegal Immigration – One of the few issues where saying the obvious part out loud is considered controversial.
- The DMV – Objectively worse than climate change because everyone has experienced it personally.
Advanced Costumes
For veteran Halloween enthusiasts seeking maximum effectiveness:
- Carry a copy of the Constitution and ask strangers which amendment protects free speech.
- Dress as an oil executive and hand out full-size candy bars.
- Wear a “Made in America” tag on everything you own.
- Arrive at the party dressed as common sense and spend the entire evening explaining your costume.
As a bonus, many of these costumes can also be worn on Election Day. Most of them anyway. We are not endorsing violating election laws here. Unlike Congress, we still occasionally read the rules.
