DogFacePonia received a script for a fantastic new show Woke Trek. It really is the best script we have ever received to date. We just need to raise a couple of Million Dollar to get the project completed. Contact us a email@example.com if you want to be an investor haha.
Kirk: The captain of the Them, a transgender FTM man.
Scotty: The head engineer of the Them, a gay man.
Dr. McCoy: A doctor of Gender Theory. Head doctor of the Them.
Uhura: A Native American person. Head of communications of the Them.
Chekov: A Chinese escapee. Head of navigations of the Them.
Sulu: A Latinx nonbinary head of food preparation of the Them.
Spock: A Black closet conservative. Is part Vulcan. Head of science and only person who knows how to
work the ship.
“The trouble with white heterosexual cisgender men”
Announcer: These are the voyages of the Them, There is no Federation or US marker, as the Them answers to no military authority. They are on a 5-year mission to discover new racisms, sexisms, and miroaggressions where no one has thought to look. To boldly go where no Black woman has gone before.
Katy Perry song plays.
Kirk: There’s an obviously earth like planet ahead! Just like any other planet we have seen before on our voyage! Readings, Mx. Spock.
Spock (coughing, as if he can’t understand what he heard): Okay… Mx. Kirk, the planet ahead is just like Earth. With one exception—the planet ahead of us is all one big United States of America, the country of the “oppressors” (Aside: Thank goodness they can’t hear air quotes) that was destroyed 200 years ago.
Chekov’s face lights up, almost as if with glee (Aside): Maybe I can escape from these lunatics on this planet!
Kirk: Let’s beam down! Maybe we can help these misguided souls! I mean, chemical sacks! Uhura, page
Dr. McCoy to come with me. Spock, Sulu, come with me!
Uhura: Yes sir, but sir—
Kirk: Don’t call me sir! It’s an outdated militaristic custom!
Uhura: Okay… Mx. Kirk, I’m receiving transmissions from the planet. They don’t want us to beam down.
Uhura: They say that we’ve already ruined one conservative civilization.
Drum beats twice
Kirk: Oh, so they’re in need of re-education! I’d better take everyone but Chekov with me! Chekov, you’re in charge of the ship! Phasers on kill!
Chekov, look of glee disappearing: Si—I mean, Mx. Kirk, can I please go? I haven’t had shore leave in two years!
Kirk: Shore leave is also an outdated custom! We all must contribute to the good of the whole by sacrificing the good of the individual!
Chekov (In Chinese) (aside): Why did I ever leave home?
In the Transporter room:
Kirk: Beam us down, Scotty!
Scotty: Aye, sir, and may I mention that your uniform looks very pretty today!
Kirk (Aside): He’s been acting like this ever since the transition.
5 minutes later:
Kirk (almost hit by a bus, jumping to the side onto an area marked with little orange flags): They are
dangerous! We need to subjugate them!
Unidentified figure: Hold it right there.
Unidentified figure is wearing a BLM facemask, shirt, and pants.
Kirk: We’re on your side! We want to subjugate this planet for your people!
Unidentified figure: You misunderstood. Even if I was a member of Black Lives Matter, I would find that
incredibly insulting that you think that Black and Brown people cannot think for themselves, and that you think of us as separate from White people. As it is, I am a Bureau of Land Management agent. You are stepping on a protected species of woodpecker’s habitat.
Kirk (Jumps to the side, knocking down an orange flag): Well, I’ll have you know, “Ken”, that I’m trying to save your civilization from its Conspiritard self.
Unidentified Figure: Interesting. Well, I can’t help if you’re delusional, but I can help if you are trying to lead an insurrection against a fine nation and endangering the lives of a species dear to my heart.
The rest of the crew has wandered off by now.
Spock (To Kirk): I think I can reason with him.
Kirk (slapping Spock): Don’t assume his gender!
Spock (administering Vulcan shock on Kirk)(To the Unidentified Figure): I think that if you’ll let him go, you’ll find that he is very fun to watch. I have replaced the phaser cartridges with blanks, so they won’t hurt anyone.
Unidentified Figure: I’ll let him go, but you be sure to restrain him. I don’t want him infecting our society.
Kirk (when he wakes up): Huh?
Spock: We’ve dismantled systemic racism and all the BLM (Not bureau of land management) members
are in charge of the country.
Dr. McCoy: There are pickup trucks with American flags everywhere!
Sulu (muttering): I’m afraid.
Kirk: Well, let’s head back to the ship! (Into communicator): Beam us up, Scotty!
Spock (muttering): Crisis averted.
In the belly of the ship:
Spock: Is everyone here?
Spock: Today, in the Lincoln society, we celebrate an important milestone. We have averted our 250th
crisis this year! It is also March, so we’re running a little behind last year. Everyone in favor of ordering a round of unregulated milk, say aye!
Spock (wearily): Aye.
… For now.