It’s that glorious time of year again—Halloween! And here at DogFacePonia, we’re positively giddy brainstorming new and improved ways to send liberals screaming into the night. Sure, we considered erecting a 30-foot Trump in the front yard, but that’s a bit on the nose. Plus, thanks to four years of Bidenflation, even scare tactics come at a premium. I almost bought a “Democrats Stole My Costume” hoodie, but $30 on Amazon? That’s practically a hate crime against my wallet.
So instead, we’ve compiled a list of budget-friendly costume ideas guaranteed to trigger your neighborhood’s NPR subscribers.
Let the haunting begin:
👑 Burger King Want to terrify the “No Kings” crowd for under five bucks? Swing by your local Burger King, grab a Whopper, and snag crowns for the whole family. Nothing screams monarchy like fast food headwear. Bonus points if you dress up as the creepy plastic Burger King commerial mascot—he’s unsettling enough to make AOC call for a congressional inquiry claiming she was almost murdered.
📜 The Constitution Few things are more frightening to liberals than a document they’ve never read. Wear a Constitution T-shirt and watch them recoil like vampires from garlic. If they’re TikTok influencers, odds are they’ll mistake it for a vintage menu. For extra flair, carry a pocket-sized copy and offer dramatic readings at parties. Warning: some liberals may not be scared—they simply won’t recognize it.
👑👑👑 Three Kings Why stop at one king when you can have three? Dress up as the Magi from the Epiphany. Fun fact: Epiphany falls on January 6th. Coincidence? We think not. It’s the perfect date to celebrate gifts, revelations, and triggering MSNBC viewers.
🎩 Sombrero Not sure how much a sombrero costs, but it’s probably cheaper than therapy for Chuck Schumer. Wear it proudly and watch progressive tears flow like salsa at a Super Bowl party. Bonus: mispronounce “sombrero” repeatedly—it’s cultural appropriation and grammatical chaos. Double whammy.
💧 Tariff What does a tariff look like? Liberal tears, mostly. Just grab a plain white shirt and write “TARIFF” across the front. Simple. Effective. Confusing enough to make someone Google it mid-party. If you’re feeling fancy, splurge on a “Tariffied” shirt from Amazon—ironically, you’ll probably pay a tariff on it.
🧊 ICE Agent Nothing causes liberal panic quite like the sight of ICE. Dress up in tactical gear and patrol the sidewalk. Bonus points if you blast “Ice Ice Baby” from your car while handing out candy. For the full experience, throw in a Vanilla Ice wig and confuse everyone equally.
👻 The Ghost of Charlie Kirk Too soon? Maybe. But if Charlie Kirk ever becomes a ghost, you can bet he’ll haunt college campuses and Whole Foods for eternity. Dress in a blazer and hover near the oat milk aisle. Spooky and educational.
🚨 Trump 2028 The classic. The legend. The liberal nightmare. Just whisper “Trump 2028” and watch heads explode like pumpkins under a sledgehammer. They will go on a No Kings Rampage right in front of you and you don’t even have to dress up.
So there you have it—your DogFacePonia-approved guide to becoming the King of your block and tariffying the entire neighborhood. Happy Halloween, patriots. May your costumes be bold, your candy be full-size, and your satire be constitutionally protected.
Image From: “Who Wants to be a King?” (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0) by arbyreed
