It was a lovely wedding, weather was perfect in D.C. and the church was decorated beautifully. The wedding party maintained proper social distancing during the walk down the aisle. The father of the bride led the bride down the aisle via a 6′ white velvet ribbon tied to her wrist. When he reached the podium, the best man extended an antique pizza paddle that had been in the grooms’ family for over 100 years. The ribbon was draped over the paddle, and then passed to the groom. As her father joined other seated guests, the bride joined her betrothed on the podium, standing some 6′ away.
When it came time to exchange rings, the best man again utilized the paddle to pass the ring pillow from the ring bearer to the groom, who removed the ring and tossed the pillow to one side. As he approached the bride, she removed the latex glove from her right hand. There was at this time a slight stirring in the back of the room, but since the groom did not remove either of his gloves, nothing happened. Vows were exchanged.
Unfortunately, the priest, a veteran of over two thousand weddings, seems to have been on auto-pilot. After pronouncing the couple husband and wife, he said to the groom “you may kiss your bride.” The groom, an all-American boy on leave from the army, reacted as one would expect. The veil went up and both masks came down.
From the back of the room came a scream “Stop him! NO TOUCHING.” The mother of the bride later remarked that it was at this precise moment when she realized inviting Muriel Bowser to the wedding was a mistake. As police officers responding to the mayor’s command rushed towards the happy, but now shocked couple, several slipped on rose petals sprinkled by the flower girl. Others tripped over the fallen officers. For some reason as they were trying to disentangle themselves, the bridesmaids began tossing their bouquets onto the pile of policemen. One officer had to be hospitalized for a groin injury when stepping on one of the bouquets caused him to do what is commonly referred to by cheerleaders as “the splits” while another suffered a concussion from crashing head first into a pew.
Meanwhile, the groomsmen ushered the newlyweds out a side door to a waiting car which rushed them to safety in Virginia. The best man used the family’s antique pizza paddle to brace the door against pursuit. One quick thinking officer called in an APB, but when the police pulled over the decorated limo, they found only the best man and three groomsmen. “Clearly it wasn’t who we were looking for and they were sitting as far apart as they could, and wearing masks,” stated the officer who pulled them over.
It took officers nearly 10 minutes to break down the church door, with Mayor Bowser urging them to “put some back into it”, before the paddle broke and the officers could access the rear parking lot. Other members of the bridal party and several guests were already there and getting into their cars, having simply walked around the building.
It is our understanding that the paddle has been framed and is now hanging at the family pizzeria.
