New research from Stanford University indicates that in the near future injections of cerebrospinal fluid harvested during abortions will fight senility and enhance longevity. The announcement did not surprise Dr. Doro Hurgerson, a Planned Parenthood associate. “We are aware of several similar studies and look forward to providing viable materials to the commercial market after human trials are completed,” she stated.
The doctor went on to explain that cerebrospinal fluid is found in the tissue that surrounds the brain and spinal cord and is produced by specific ependymal cells in the choroid plexus of the ventricles of the brain. When asked if fetus development might impact the “harvest” of the cerebrospinal fluid, she replied “Of course. The further along the development is, the greater the amount of CSF. A partial birth abortion would provide the greatest ROI.”
Hurgerson indicated that the Planned Parenthood business model would be severely damaged if Roe Vs Wade was overturned. “One thing we do not want is for the states to make their own abortion laws. We are a national business and we don’t want to have to tailor our business model to suit the whims of local residents.”
“However, we do applaud the changes made by the abortion laws in two states that now allow women to abort at 9 months. We would prefer all the states followed suit, but alas, that is unlikely should SCOTUS follow the Constitution, at least as it is currently written. Of course,” she continued. “We are sponsoring legislation which would ensure our ability to do business…um, support the rights of women and girls to terminate their pregnancies for whatever reason they choose.”
Asked about the future of Planned Parenthood, she indicated that while Chinese imports were probably always going to be a concern, the future looked bright. “If research continues as expected, we anticipate a great demand in the supply side of our services. If we are able to get enough pro-abortion legislators elected and able to push through a 9-month abortion on demand bill we will be able to expand operations substantively. Our goal is to eventually be able to offer a small stipend to the fetus carrier based on the number of months carried. Since the optimum amount of CSF is at 9 months, being able to harvest via a partial birth abortion at 9 months would give the greatest ROI.”
Hurgerson went on to say that it was likely that only the very wealthy would be able to afford the treatments.