Stimulating Reparations

It has become apparent we need a another stimulus package. A new lock-down is coming and people need toilet paper and kindling. We need reparations in response to BLM movement. We thought why not put it together and kill 2 birds with 1 stone. At DogfacePonia we came up with a “simple” Stimulating Reparations Plan

  • African decent receive $1000
  • Native American (Alaskan and Hawaiian Native included) receive $2000

Who will Pay the Reparations

  • White People must pay $1000 (or 500 rolls of toilet paper)
  • Asian and Pacific Islander People pay $500 because China caused the Virus
  • Hispanic or Latin American People pay $250 to help build Trump’s Wall.

Race Determination

In order to receive a benefit, you must transmit your DNA for Analysis (The government will add it to the FBI database and immediately determine if you have committed any crimes). This will determine the amount of benefit you receive based on the percentage of your ancestry. If you are 50% black and 50% white you will receive reparations for the black portion of yourself and pay for the white portion.

When trying to understand which race is which assume white unless proven otherwise. Anyone refusing to transmit DNA will be assumed to be fully White for reparations purposes. In this way you can experience the white privilege of paying for others.


  • Women will receive an additional $250 or have $250 removed from reparations payments.
  • Transgender will receive based on their gender depending on the percentage of their life they identified as each gender.

Slave Ownership

  • If a person can be proven descended from a slave owner, he will need to pay an additional $2000 in reparations based on the percentage of him or herself that descended from slave owners
  • If a person can be proven descended from a slave, he or she will receive an additional $1000 in reparations based on the percentage of him or herself that descended from a slave.

So, if someone is descended from Thomas Jefferson, they will have to pay themselves for slave ownership.


  • Children who are adopted will receive the reparations based on their parents race not their own. This will depend on the age of adoption.
  • Prior to adoption, they will receive benefits based on their own race. The after adoption the percentage of life lived with particular parents will impact the payout.

Statue Destruction

  • Anyone found to have participated in pulling down statues will forfeit reparations because they already got them.
  • They will still need to pay reparations if a portion of their ancestry requires it.
  • Forfeited reparations will instead go to build statues of Richard Nixon. Unless the individual is of Hispanic or Latin American Decent and then it will go to build a border wall.

Tax Credit

This will all come as a tax credit as taxes are not complicated enough. If payment requires printing money, that’s ok because it will devalue the money paid. That is consistent with historical treatment of minorities.

The short synopsis of the plan is only 12,362 Pages. We need to pass it to find out what’s in it.

Image From: “Money on Fire” (CC BY 2.0) by Images_of_Money