Swalwell Suffering from TDS Files ‘Emotional Distress’ Lawsuit

Eric Swalwell looking confused

No, those are not condoms on Representative Eric Swalwell’s fingers, they are white roll-on finger bandages aka Finger Bobs. Sources close to the California Democrat report that since Jan. 6th he has been terrified, unable to sleep alone, and has begun biting his nails again.

Swalwell, the erstwhile House manager during the 2nd unsuccessful impeachment trial of former President Donald J. Trump, was very upset at the failure to convict. He has now filed a lawsuit against Trump alleging emotional distress. “You can’t really blame him,” stated one of the congressional aides. “He’s terrified of guns and there were armed plainclothes officers barricading the chamber doors.”

Unable to text or tweet because of the bulky bandages, Swalwell is also experiencing some social media withdrawals. He is currently receiving a homeopathic “Chinese treatment” to deal with the stress.

Some of his fellow congressmen are concerned that Swalwell might not have the temperament to sit on the judiciary and homeland security committees. Pelosi was overheard to remark “he’s a very sensitive boy” to Schumer but has refused to comment on whether or not it was true that all heat to Swalwell’s office had been turned off in an effort to keep him from melting.

Image From: “Eric Swalwell” (CC BY-SA 2.0) by Gage Skidmore