A new CDC study analyzed the probability that 5472 children who were thrown into The Grand Canyon subsequently acquired Monkeypox. This was compared to 5496 children in a placebo group (all of whom were grateful not to have been thrown into The Grand Canyon).
“The results were really impressive,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the NIAID. “No children in either group acquired Monkeypox. Better still, children found dead in the bottom of The Grand Canyon are way less likely to acquire Monkeypox in the future.”
Dr. Rochelle Wolenksy, head of the CDC, concurred, arguing that parents should feel confident giving children four Covid shots before throwing them in The Grand Canyon.
“Our studies prove,” she said, “that the Covid vaccines are 95 percent effective at protecting our kids. This is great news that will enable them to live long enough to be hurled into the depths of a national landmark.”
Of course as always in America, there was disagreement about the benefits of throwing children thousands of feet below as they shrieked in horror. Alex Jones deemed it “more proof that globalists are obsessed with child sacrifice,” an idea that interns at Reuters immediately fact-checked. Twitter concurred, putting a warning label on any Anti-Throw-Your-Kids-Into-The-Grand-Canyon posts, while The New York Times argued those against this new Monkeypox treatment were “conspiracy theorist MAGA loons.”
Then there was Bill Gates who reassured parents this new treatment was safe. “There is no evidence throwing your kids into The Grand Canyon is harmful,” Gates explained to Anderson Cooper, which produced wild applause, since if there’s anyone who understands what’s destructive to children it’s Bill Gates. After all, as a frequent guest at Little St. James, Epstein’s pedophilia island, Gates speaks from real authority on the subject.
To prove the detractors had it all wrong, Erin Burnett threw her three children into The Grand Canyon. “Wonderful,” she said as her babies made horrific splattering sounds. “I feel so much better knowing my kids will never get Monkeypox or Covid.” David Axelrod concurred that Erin was making the right choice, moments before partaking in a devil-worshipping ritual at Bohemian Grove.
Image From: “Grand Canyon, Arizona” (CC BY-ND 2.0) by steviep187
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