CNN Preemptively Reports Biden Wins First Debate

CNN’s Chris Cuomo ecstatically reported after the first debate this week that the winner was Joe Biden.  Don Lemon said President Trump “lied through his teeth” (his mouth was moving) as he has throughout his presidency.  The Biden team told Joe he needed to bring his A-game. Trump objected when Biden brought his A-1 steak sauce because it was a banned substance and demanded a drug test.

Van Jones was as pleased as punch to not have to fabricate anything. Joe Biden’s goal was to put two sentences together and he was successful at an unbelievable three (one/two word) answers. Nothing Joe said could be called a lie. He expertly camouflaged his answers with “come on, man”, “it’s Trump’s fault” and “where is the teleprompter”. CNN commentators marveled at his oratory.

Biden boasted that he brought in a 2.5 billion dollar investment from China with the help of his son Hunter and all Trump brought in was the xenophobic China virus.  If he was such a good negotiator why didn’t he get a bigger investment than Hunter.  The President lied and said he was not responsible for killing 200 million people with Covid. CNN fact checkers differed (Joe said it so it must be true). They applauded Biden’s mastery of statistical facts and that he knew China was a country.

When asked to comment on the Supreme Court controversy, Biden began singing “My World Is Empty Without You, Ruth”  His answer was gushingly praised as sensitive and statesmanlike.

Biden looked very presidential in his signature blue MABA (Make America Blue Again) hat. The moderator spoke effusively about the fact that Joe was not color blind clearly making him physically capable of being president. Joe also knows the difference between black and white, supports the Green New Deal and recognizes Orange Man. Trump’s command of color is limited to red. Police objected to the appropriation of their color. The Trump 2020 Campaign claimed Biden was plagiarizing the MAGA hat and is seeking an injunction to stop him.

Biden told CNN after the debate to, “Stick a fork in him (Trump).  He’s done.” Trump was confused to lose since he was not even there.

We at Dogfaceponia believe CNN has caught Biden Syndrome because they don’t know that the debate is next Tuesday.

Image From: “Lunch with Joe Biden” (CC BY 2.0) by jurvetson