Positive Effects of Farting and Burping

Food That Cause Gas sign with picture of Taco

The government has identified beef as a contributor to climate change. Farting cows are a big contributor to green house gas emissions according to climate change activists. Farmers are suffering but are willing to do so to provide hamburger to Republicans. Farmers claim it is burping that causes the release of methane.  Students wearing masks limits the release of methane gas through burps.  Thus even after Covid-19 ends, masks must continue to be worn.

Do others burp and why? Can the burping be eliminated?

We surveyed a Kindergarten class about burps and farts. Laughter filled the room as the Kindergarteners felt a very “woke” connection to body functions. When we asked them about deeper “woke” issues we found they always understood that who ever smelt it dealt it. They all selected Shrek as their favorite Dreamworks character because he burps and farts. What are we to do with the 1.4 billion farting and burping Kindergartners? Some classes of Cows emit more methane gas than does transportation. What are we to do with the 1.4 billion farting and burping cows? Can we sterilize cows and abort the babies as well?

The Supreme Court will have to decide if Cows and Kindergartners have civil rights. Other livestock also emit methane but are not used in hamburgers and even Hannibal Lector did not eat kindergarteners…

We must all act to limit methane emissions. There have been positive results from experiments to feed cows garlic.  Kindergartners eating more garlic will also provide less burping and farting and thus less greenhouse gas emissions.  This will also improve compliance with social distancing, and a properly trained Kindergartner will provide years of social distancing (more garlic will keep people away from each other). Hannibal Lecture may stave to death, but we are pretty sure plenty of disrepectful Democrats can feed him for a lifetime.

Another solution is collecting methane by putting livestock and farting Kindergartners in a bubble to collect their methane. Barns and homes need to be updated to collect methane from farters and burpers, Thankfully the school boards are totally on board with confining Kindergarteners to their homes. This can generate electricity and thus limit use of fossil fuels which are necessary to create electricity. Babies can now be reimagined as a Green energy source rather than aborted. The Biden administration has praised this as a brilliant solution as every Republican can support the idea of no more abortion. Reimaging homes is part of the Green New Deal and now we no why! And now abortion can be deemed illegal without packing the court.

The MSM has praised the Biden Administration as forward thinking and brilliant for a unification of the parties. We here at DogFacePonia are concerned that Kindergartners as a Green energy source could back fire, but what do we know we can’t even keep our full grown ponies from farting.

Image from: “Foods That Cause Gas” (Public Domain) by ShaluSharmaBihar