Guarding Hunter Biden

Natalie Biden standing behind Hunter Biden

In 2004 the cheesy romantic comedy Chasing Liberty with Mandy Moore hit the theaters. It was the story of the daughter of the president wanting to be like everyone else. The problem is, she was the President’s daughter and always had guards around. So she goes AWOL and goes on an adventure chased by the secret service.

Sometimes life imitates fiction. At one point Hunter went AWOL and put some guns in a dumpster behind a grade school. He also made some videos and got his laptop repaired. All this could be trouble for Biden. Still, lately it’s been kind of quiet and we wondered; Where is Hunter? He is the smartest Man our (alleged) President remembers knowing. We heard he might lead the DEA or Paint Biden’s Presidential Portrait or at least be Washington’s bagel master. Alas It has been reported that Hunter Biden is living a tough life in a Malibu house with ONLY $30,000 per month in protection on the government dime.

At first we thought he is a millionaire from all his fantastic Ukrainian and Chinese business dealings not to mention his expensive art. However, his father and basically the whole Biden family has been living on the government dime for 50 years, why change now? Sure we thought Delaware might be cheaper but can he get his needs met there? Maybe Daddy wanted him farther away. I guess Malibu has better access to some things like trout swimming. Then we at Dogfaceponia started to wonder? Who does Hunter need protection from? Everyone loves him right?

  • Chinese (or Ukrainian, or Russia) Art enthusiasts – When you spend $1 Million on Art you expect it to be good or at least have some tangible value. Art is terrible and there apparently is no return policy. Russia and Ukraine are pissed they can’t exactly find takers.
  • Illegal Border crossers
  • Jim Biden (Joe’s Bother) – Hunters Says “Ok let’s setup some deals and have some countries pay up for access to Joe Biden!” Jim Says “Awesome, we can get rich and nobody will every know. As long as we give 20% to the Big Guy it will all be good.” Hunter says “No Problem I’ll just keep all the records safe with my personal videos on my laptop”
  • Natalie Biden (his niece) and Hallie Biden his Sister In Law (and ex-lover) – Your Husband dies and his Brother takes advantage of you and your daughters mental state. So most of the stuff here is probably on the Laptop from Hell. Let’s just say his own relatives might not like him so much.
  • The Secret Service – If you work at the secret service the hardest part of your job is to protect this crackhead from himself. $30k a month is probably paid partly to the agent to not let him harm himself and not quit their job. Some might be tired of covering his drug runs.
  • CNN – They are hypothetically in the business of reporting the news. Yet it has been shown that they literally colluded to block what should have been the biggest news story of the year. They might want to get rid of the evidence or at least the cause.
  • Starving Artists – You are living on welfare barely getting by but Hunter takes all the money in the art world.
  • Left Wing extremists – Let’s just say there might be a few leftists that realize Hunter Biden is going to destroy their beloved party. This sounds like Fake News or disinformation.
  • Domestic Terrorists – As far as we can tell if they exist they are chanting Let’s Go Brandon at School Board Meetings. They are not too concerned with Hunter.

With all that we know; We at DogFacePonia figured out that Hunter could get 24-7 protection in a much cheaper place than Malibu … Prison.

Image From: Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from Washington D.C, United States, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons