This morning a new bill was introduced in the House requiring citizens to remove any reference to gender in their surname by using “person” instead of “son” or “man” in the spelling. The bill limits the legal fees required for this action to $500.00, to be split evenly between local and federal governments. Mike Thomperson (formally Thompson) D-CA is cosponsoring the bill with Jared Huffperson (formerly Huffman) D-CA. “We expect to generate over 150 million dollars on the surname Johnson alone!” stated Huffperson, who went on to say, “Starting in January after passage of the bill, the IRS will send out computer generated letters informing the citizen of the legally required name change. Non-compliance will mean a fine of $5,000 per year, collected along with taxes each year. If you refuse to move to a gender-neutral name, it is going to cost you,” stated Thomperson. He went on to say that hospitals will be ordered to issue corrected birth certificates free of charge to all children under the age of 5. Questioned on whether this might create confusion with the children and parents having different surnames or that it might create undue expense for some citizens or businesses to have business cards or stationary reprinted, he replied “If we are going to make an omelet, we have to break a few eggs. I’m not asking anyone else to do something I’m not willing to do.”
We contacted Senator Ted Cruz and asked his thoughts on the bill, which does not yet have a counterpart in the Senate. We cut his laughter off by handing him a copy of the proposed legislation. “You, you’re serious?” he sputtered.
After reading through the proposed legislation, he grew serious. “Aside from it just being a really, really stupid idea, the federal government cannot order citizens to change their surnames. It will not hold up in court. Even the way the bill is worded… I mean the word “person” contains “son” so this means that every January the IRS computer will be spitting out the same letter and penalizing the same people over and over again. Jackson, Johnson, Harrison, Manning, Woodman… It would be a nightmare. I, I really don’t think it will advance. It’s just grandstanding for some reason and will probably backfire.”
Our unnamed contacts within the IRS tell us that if the bill passes as written, it will require nearly doubling 2 divisions within the IRS and that expenditures will be roughly 3 times the expected revenue.
We wonder if the Heisman Trophy will be renamed the Heisperson Trophy?