Jason Aldean’s Smalltown Academy for Antifa

Jason Aldean & Brittany Aldean at America Fest

Following the great success of his song and video “Try That in a Small Town,” Jason Aldean plans to open a new academy to teach big-city folk about America. Members of Antifa get free or discounted admission. This is based on the need and extent of brainwashing. This is the only privilege they will get here.

The academy plans to teach simple lessons to help understanding easy.

  • In a small town, we take care of each other. We may only have 1 grocery store if you steal from that you steal from all of us. You better watch out for some good old boys who were raised right.
  • Smalltown police have been defunded already. The state and country took and wasted the money on your gender studies and environmentalism. As a result, we only have 1 sheriff covering 75 square miles. That’s why we all have guns. By the time the sheriff shows up it could be too late for you.
  • In a small town, there are 2 bathrooms. If you are not sure which one to use, there is a field over there. Just stay away from the crops and our families.
  • It doesn’t matter if you are black or white. We are all one community and take care of each other. All Lives Matter except maybe yours.
  • In a small town it doesn’t matter what your religion is. All that matters is you understand “God Bless America.” If you don’t understand, you have the wrong religion.
  • In a small town,, we hope you like meat. There ain’t no such thing as vegan in these parts. If that is a problem for you, go back to Portland.
  • Did you see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre? No Reason just wondering.
  • We have pig farms. Pigs will eat anything. I have heard they will go through bone like butter.
  • We may not have your Fancy IPA Beer. That doesn’t mean we drink Bud Light. Pass the Burbon or Moonshine that will put some hair on your manless chest.
  • Listen up, Man Bun, commit a crime to go to jail. George Soros doesn’t own the DA, America Does.
  • Around these parts we don’t call people MAGA Republicans, we call them Americans. We’ll even call a Democrat an American if they take care of their neighbors. We call Antifa Anti-American Fascist Marxists.

We here in DogFacePonia believe that much of Antifa needs to be schooled. In this case, the goals of the Academy are to teach people understanding, love of America, and etiquette. If none of that works, then at least they will learn not to try that in a small town.

Image From: “Jason Aldean & Brittany Aldean” (CC BY-SA 2.0) by Gage Skidmore