Putin To Invade Alaska and Romney

Alaska Territory Map

A Putin spokesman says Alaska should be returned to Russia as reparations. Russia is now building up troops on the Russian side of the Bering Strait. Sarah Palin was quoted as saying that she could see tanks from her backyard. The number of troops is approaching 150 thousand. Russia is claiming that there is a large cohort of Eskimos who speak Russian in western Alaska. He is sending Russian Eskimos into Alaska to create a separatist movement that he can use as a pretext to annex the area. A new movement has arisen called Eskimo Lives Matter (ELM not the tree) or Eskimo Lives Matter Organization (ELMO not the muppet) .

The United States said it did not recognize the separatists. Putin responded “I have nuclear weapons”. Putin wants to shell Eskimo igloos into the ground (or the ice anyway). Things could get slippery but he felt this would be a much easier invasion than the one in Ukraine. Clearly Biden would threaten sanctions but Putin could establish a foothold before Biden would implement any sanctions. How many sanctions are left anyway? Further, Putin is not afraid of Eskimo Power. Will he be wrong again? The Governor of Alaska begged for a no fly zone but Biden was concerned about escalating the conflict. Eskimos with dogsleds will be on the front lines facing tanks. The dogsleds are being outfitted with Javelin missiles and every Native American has government supplied bows and arrows. More is needed though.

Biden is willing to give the Russians Anwar because he is at war with fossil fuels. Russia on the other hand has an economy based 50% on fossil fuels so he might settle without invading. This would expand Russia’s economy as he could produce more oil. The problem is will anyone buy it? Putin is planning a Bering Strait pipeline which the administration has indicated it would approve but only if Russia leaves Ukraine, Hunter and it’s Biolabs alone.

We at DogFacePonia believe Putin may have again misjudged the situation but who knows. Putin thinks he may take over the world by threatening to use nuclear weapons. Right now he is still stuck in Ukraine. Dogfaceponia has offered to broker a peace agreement where we offer Russia Senator Lisa Murkowski (of Alaska) in exchange for peace. Murkowski sorta sounds like Zelensky right? So far we have no agreement. What if we throw in Romney?

Image From: “Colton’s map of the territory of Alaska” (CC BY 2.0) by Norman B. Leventhal Map Center at the BPL