NJ Restaurant Extends Ban on Children to Democrats of Every Age

Spaghetti Man laying on the floor

Nettie’s “House of Spaghetti”—ptui!—the slop trough of jarred Prego and wholesale Barilla known to respectable locals as La Sigaretta (the cigarette)—is trying to make amends after news of their bambini ban went viral.

An Italian restaurant in New Jersey has decided to ban children under 10 from its restaurant. 

“We love kids. We really, truly, do,” Nettie’s House of Spaghetti in Tinton Falls, NJ, insisted on social media, “But lately, it’s been extremely challenging to accommodate children at Nettie’s.”

The restaurant cited “noise levels,” a lack of space for high chairs and the “crazy messes” kiddos sometimes leave behind along with the “liability” of children running around the restaurant as their reasoning for the new rule.

The backlash was swift.

Families being turned away at the door if they had children in tow are promising never to return. “We’re ticked off. We’re taking the family to Olive Garden, of all places,” one Tinton Falls father said.

The backlash took full effect over the weekend, as an empty parking lot—already known for being easily navigable—was disquietingly Pompeiian, proving that while word of mouth is a powerful weapon, national news coverage was the Vesuvian ash cloud for poor old Nettie’s—ptui!

La sigaretta scrambled after Applebee’s or Applebean’s or whatever that equally inauthentic fast-food-adjacent sit-down s#!it hole is called jumped at the opportunity to lure in good families disgruntled by the portacenere’s ban. Unfortunately, the carrot they dangled—a free kids meal—proved just as insulting, because Italians haven’t been Socialist since the War.

“Reception has been fantastic,” Applebean’s spokesman claimed in a FOX Business interview. “We’re all about kids.”

Instead of lifting their ban on the innocent, hungry and hearty Italian stock who clean their plates and know to be seen not heard, Nettie’s—ptui!—is attempting to save face by expanding its child ban to “Democrats of every age,” which is angering its base demographic more than the initial bambini ban ever did.

“We love Democrats. We really, truly, do,” a representative said. “But lately, it’s been extremely challenging to accommodate Democrats at Nettie’s”—ptui!

“Between noise levels, lack of space for ‘big & tall’ chairs, cleaning up crazy messes, and the liability of Democrats running around the restaurant, we have decided that it’s time to take control of the situation. We know that this is going to make some of you very upset, especially those of you with very well-behaved Democrat friends and family, but we believe this is the right decision for our business moving forward.”

Che palle!

On the one hand, you can commend La sigaretta for admitting that Democrats are intellectually equivalent to children, but Jersey folk aren’t stupid. They can at the same time commend the Democrat ban and see the false equivalence, because they inherently understand the Talebian hierarchy of political needs:

  • that at the federal level, people ought to be Libertarian;
  • at the state level, Republican;
  • at the local level Democrat; and
  • at the family level Socialist, because children take more than they give back, materially speaking.

But kids aren’t adults, which makes the equation of kids to full-grown Socialists utterly insulting.

You yell at kids because they don’t know better. You yell at Democrats because they ought to.

You chastise children because their abilities to rationalize and temper their behavior are still developing. You chastise Democrats because they’re too dazed by the years-long buildup of cranial bong resin and gamer brain fog to know that rude and obnoxious behavior is best tested in the protected confines of their fatherless homes, not in public.

It’s one thing to deny nourishment and patronage to the children who will one day be our business leaders, entrepreneurs, educators, scientists, and political leaders (even if Nonna would rightly blister your butt with a gnocchi paddle for it) but it’s quite another thing to lump in intellectually under-developed children with full-grown adults who have no experiential excuse.

Being a belligerent wine aunt who special-orders food like it’s Starbucks, spills drinks, laughs to loudly at their own jokes, and yells at staff for the slightest of accidental slights is utterly incongruent with an all-out ban on kids who might faultily fork a fusilli onto the floor.

If you are to claim to be Italian, do as the great mayor of Pontoglio did: simply erect a sign that clearly articulates the expectation of basic respect for cultural customs for all visitors.

Rather than stating, “Those who will not respect the local culture and tradition are asked to leave,” Nellie’s—ptui!—could simply have posted, “Imbeciles of all ages and political ideologies will be asked to leave.”

Such simplicities of order neither offend the families of well-bread stock nor insult them by equating cultural sensibilities with Socialist hive-mind. A true win-win.

But this is advice for future Italian restaurants, not Netti’e—ptui!—for they are dead to us.

Andiamo! To Olive Garden we go!

Image From: “Eww” (CC BY-SA 2.0) by kimsdinner

Wilbur writes for The Conservative New Mexican check out other stories by him there.